Colorful Colorado

Welcome to Colorful Colorado! I live in the Denver metro area, which has had the majority of Colorado’s 20,000 plus cases. The state has had over a thousand deaths. We were an early hot spot, thanks to our internationally renowned ski slopes. The high country had it worse at first, but most of the cases are now in the metro areas around Denver and Colorado Springs, where my parents live. Our governor, Jared Polis, acted pretty quickly to get the outbreak under control. Our statewide stay at home order started March 26th, though several counties were ahead of him. Governor Polis lifted the Stay at Home order on April 27th for a Safer at Home program. This lifted the restrictions on some business, while still leaving strict social distancing orders in place. Restaurants and bars are still not open here for anything other than take-away. And gyms, theatres, and other social places are still closed.

When you look at things objectively, I am in a remarkably good situation. As I write I am sitting on a sun-drenched deck, looking out at Long’s Peak. I live with good friends, in a good neighborhood. The thought of going through this with some of my previous roommates makes me cringe. We have a walking path behind the house, giving us several options for long walks. I am a paralegal, working in a reputable law firm and I am still employed, which is no longer a certainty in any profession in the US. I transitioned to working from home on March 18th. With several members of our office community and extended family at high risk they began preparing for this possibility once the first cases were confirmed in Colorado. I greatly enjoy skipping the hour-long commute and rolling out of bed right at the start of the workday. My family and friends are safe. I do video chats and telephone calls with my parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends around the country. My weekly movie night with my friends has moved online, courtesy of Netflix Party. We even felt safe enough for me to go down and see my parents for Mother’s Day last weekend. I talk to my best friend, who lives in Canada, two to three times a week, for hours at a time. While some that I care about have been infected, none have died or had to be hospitalized. We have plenty of food and supplies and are taking measures to be more self-sufficient on that front. All in all, we are pretty well set, and could endure this for the long haul. And thanks to the short-sighted, ignorant, and occasionally just plain stupidity of some citizens, lawmakers, and the current administration we do think this will be a long haul. Most of the states are opening up for business again, and while Colorado is being smarter than most in the actions they are taking, we are most assuredly going to be back on stay at home orders again. If not this summer, then by the fall for sure.  

But these are strange times, and you have to look beneath the surface. Like many people, I am suffering from increased stress, and the anxiety and depression that I have battled with for most of my life is having a resurgence. The stress of trying to remain productive at work during a pandemic has made me start clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth again, bringing stress and tension headaches. Many of our cases are settling or being continued to later dates and deadlines, so billable work may start to be harder to come by soon. My concentration and memory have completely abandoned me in my time of need. I only started this job in December, and I am still finding my way in the firm. What if I lose my job? How will I pay bills? I am lucky enough to be living with friends who I love, trust, and genuinely enjoy spending time with. But the anxiety and depression, and my emotional awareness of other’s feelings make me question everything. Am I a burden? Do they want me here, in their space, all the time? Am I being helpful enough to justify my presence? Would they like to hang out, or should I just go to my room and let them be? What will I do if they ask me to leave? They seem upset, are they angry at me? What did I do? These thoughts have become a constant battle. I am also a person who does not deal well with unknowns. They stress me out so much. I would rather know an answer, good or bad, than live with an unknown. So this uncertainty is so difficult for me. And just like everyone else, I am worried about my friends and family getting sick. I am very lucky, in that those who I love who have gotten sick have recovered. I have friends who have loved ones who have died, and had to go to the hospital alone, and I can’t imagine how hard that must be right now.  

I cope with this mental health battle in several ways. I sit outside after work in nice weather. I go for a long walk on my lunch hour. We have socially distant happy-hour chats with our neighbors across our decks. I am rereading many favorite books, and I am hip deep in Harry Potter right now. I’m watching escapist television and films, like the Netflix Marvel shows, New Girl, and Star Wars.  We’ve been listening to DJ Nice’s dance parties on Instagram. My favorite bit of lockdown escapism was watching Sondheim’s 90th birthday concert on You Tube. After watching that I felt better than I had since all this started. I also loved listening to Andy Serkis read The Hobbit on You Tube last week. I write in my journal every day. I play games and do puzzles. And I don’t feel bad about just laying on my bed and enjoying the quiet. I am taking small steps to try and figure out what comes next, but trying not to worry too much. Who knows what will happen next week, next month, this fall, or this winter. There is very little that I can control. So when I feel overwhelmed I go on the deck, or the walking path, take a deep breath, and look at the mountains. No matter what happens, we will always have the mountains.